I had a note typed out in my head. But then Jesus replaced it with this one, so sorry, you'll just have to be blessed in a different way. :)

My note was sort of depressing. This week was hard. There's been a lot of changes, a lot of good-byes, and I've been asked to do some really hard things lately. Jesus has been changing, molding, breaking me so much - the more I ask, the more He comes. I'm sure it's apparent by my last couple notes, that my life is nothing close to normal right now.

I had planned to post a song I wrote this weekend on here. It's a song of good-byes. Good-byes to my chums from highschool moving away, good-bye to my brother moving to Canada today... lots of things change when you graduate. I didn't know it was this much. But as hard as life got, I desperately needed to come back to the same Rock that I've been clinging to all along.

You see, for a couple days, maybe a week, I really slacked off spiritually. I'll be honest, this time of year is really difficult for me to focus. So much goes on and without a schedule from school, I have lots of time to sit and think or do things, just for the sake of doing things. I think my biggest mistakes in my past were made in June. Imagine. But I wanted this to be so different. I was feeling myself pull into a depressing mode where I was crying over everyone who was leaving, I was sad that my life didn't look the way I thought it should, I was wondering what my future looks like - never again will I automatically live at my parent's house and go to school 180 days out of the year... I always get really homesick for Canada around this time, too. It's only four weeks away, and it's really hard to focus on what God has for me here while my heart is so much in the North. So I begged God to redirect my focus. Through a course of interesting events, it's happened. And now I have something to share. Pay attention.

I radomly listened to a CD i don't think i've ever listened to before - at least not in its entirety. Which is odd because I've had it for a few years, at least. But on it had the song by Ginny Owens called If You Want Me To. Here's the first part of it:

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

I started thinking about this song and how it matches my life so very closely. I AM not who I was when i first started to follow Jesus and He's lead me on a path that I don't always understand. Sometimes it's hard to see the end, or even one step ahead, but because he loves me the way he does, I would do anything for Him.

Anything. I'd made this promise some time ago, and since then, God has put things in my path and asked if I would do things for Him - sometimes showing me into the future. My response is always "Yes, God, I'll do anything for you, even until death." And I mean it with my whole heart. And then comes application time. I was sitting in church one Sunday recently listening to a man from the Jesus Film foundation and he showed clips from other countries of people being saved by the thousands. Jesus asked me some things about my future and about ministry. Would I get down in the dirt? Would I do the rough things? Would I go anywhere He called me to any people group He sent me to? Would I be willing to go face-to-face with the Dark side and trust His unfailing love to step in? Would I walk the path He paved for me - to compeltion? Yes, Lord, I will. Would I live my life to the fullest until then? ... Um....

You see, it's the times when we're not in "missionary mode" when we need to be careful. Think of how many things you would do if you were on a "missions trip" and your goal was to be stretched, challenged, to work hard and cheerfully, to witness to every person you met. Going to a Christian school most of highschool, I had many trip opportunities. This year, switching schools, I missed out on the Nicaragua trip. So I asked God to put me on mission trip mode, while I'm here. And boy, has it been a journey! As I sat there and promised God I would do all sorts of crazy stuff in all kinds of lands, he asked me if I would go cheerfully to my job and look for ministry opportunities there. Man, you don't understand, I hate my job! But God's like, listen, if you TRULY would do all this for me, how can you NOT go to your 6.5 hours a day job where you are surrounded by Christians have a good attitude? I felt like a grain of sand at this point and wanted to dissolve in my chair. Well, that makes sense... So I started applying it, and that's where this song comes in.

Because You love me the way You do, and I'd walk through the fire if You wanted me to then I will.... Not disrespect my boss when he tells me to do something ridiculous, not be rude to the bratty girl that works with me for 2 hours, it means pulling this order with joy and looking to encourage people on the way, it means not dragging my feet but doing everything for His glory, it means carrying His joy wherever I go - whether it's on the mission field or up the stairs to the warehouse. Incredible things have been happening. The girl I work with and I don't get along AT ALL... but, taking my pastor's timely advice, I've been making it a point to do and say nice things to her - and we actually laughed about a joke together today! Instead of just existing, and being rude to eachother, and resenting everything the other person did, we had fun. AND yesterday I got to pray for a woman in the office for her heart problems... and, to tell you the truth, I'm really believin' for a healing. It's coming, Look out.Right there, surrounded by cubicles... i felt Jesus show up and I couldn't NOT pray. I've been more respectful to my boss and (almost) PAINFULLy, overwhelmingly polite to the rude guys I work with. sometimes it's almost comical. I have one of them consistently calling me "ma'am" now, and the other one saying polite things like "thank-you" and "yes, my lady"... sometimes it's straight up joking, but let me tell you, this kind of joking is FAR better than the rude kind...

So Jesus showed up at work. He's in me. And He's spreading. One by one, i've watched people become overwhelmed by His love as I let it soak out of me. A little obedience goes a long way. Listen, it's in the small times when Jesus watches our obedience. "He who can be trusted with very little will also be trusted with much." Jesus won't take a disobedient person and give them the repsonsibility of saving a whole country. But He will take someone one step at a time to that point. And, let me tell you, I want more than ANYTHING to be that person who wins an entire country for Christ!

So it's back to boot camp for me! No more slackin', no more winin', no more missed opportunities, no more times of being unfocused, no more mopin'... I have no choice but to rejoice. If I'm gonna truly walk through the Fire, I need to walk through the rain puddles right now. Got it? Good. Be encouraged. :)